I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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