I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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