Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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