i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
