you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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