apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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