Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
