..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
