my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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