im having a threesome with these popsicles
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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