im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Did I show you my penis last night?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Randomize
