I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
