he thought i was a dude.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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