Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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