1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
