Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
