i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
