im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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