Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
