My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
