I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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