Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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