: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize