my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
