I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
