I think I died a long time ago.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
