yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
