They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
