maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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