I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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