It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
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