So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
