Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
