i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
