He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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