a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
That's intense
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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