we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
