I think I died a long time ago.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
