i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
