Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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