I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
