Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
