i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
