suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I have tasted many bathrooms
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
