I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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