his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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