All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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