i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
