i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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