this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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