Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
