God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
