I'm so fucking centered right now
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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