She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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