I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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