Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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