he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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