Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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