you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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