I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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