he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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