That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
