i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
